It is envitable that as we get older, that people we know and love, well. They die. It has something that I have thought about a lot in the last week or so. In doing so, I thought about how little I have been effected by grief, which has essentially left me incapable of empathising with those who have.
My friend lost her Mother to cancer on Christmas eve, although she had been ill for sometime and had been given a terminal diagnosis, it came as a shock to everyone that knew and loved her. My friend also lost his boyfriend, a death which is still at this time a mystery. There is never a good time to lose anyone, but there is a particular poignancy about it happening, at this time of year.
I was very sad for my friends and in particular on Christmas eve, I could not stop thinking about my friend who lost her Mother, I was sad for her and for her family, I wanted to reach out to her, to them and say something, which would take all their pain away, as if there was such a sentence. On the day of the funeral, I couldn't muster up the strength to get dressed and go to her funeral. Death is something, I clearly do not know how to deal with.
I wrote a post back in 2009, about mortality, when some people I knew had died within a couple of weeks of each other, although I was shocked at their deaths, I did not grieve for them. I lost my maternal Grandmother, back in 1996 but I had met her just a couple of time and my only memories were hazy, so even at that age, I was indifferent to her passing. The closest thing to grief I felt was watching my Mother cry.
Even when my Aunt died two years ago, we did not have a close relationship and the funeral and her passing took place in another country and I was as distant as I could possibly have been.
I consider myself to be incredibly lucky to have reached 26 and to not have experience the absess of death, the sucking vacuum, that I can only assum sucks up your entire existence, that changes you as a person. But I worry, that when it happens, and it is only a matter of time, that I might be cold towards it. I have lacked empathy in some of the most heartbreaking situations, over the past few months, I am worried that I would be empty of solace. This could be an irrational fear but it is a fear none the less. It has weighed heavily on my mind over the past week or so. How do I combat this? What does one do about a problem like this...
I wouldn't even know where to start in dealing with this.
3 comments:
My grandson died in 2004, my mother was killed in 2006 and my father died in 2007. Sometimes the best solace you can offer is just to let those grieving know you're sorry for their loss. Acknowledgement, even with those two simple words of "I'm sorry" can make all the difference in the world. All the best to you :)
You may not be cold but have a different view. Whether you are religious or not I don't understand grieving for those who have died - never, ever have. If you are religious you have gone to heaven and your pain and suffering on earth are over and you life of glory has begun. If you're not religious, then you're life has ended and there is no heaven or hell and your pain and suffering on earth has ended.
Grief is for the living and for what they will miss when someone they love or care about is no longer there. I think death should be celebrated, mostly. A young child loosing it's parent or a young person leaving their friends and family is of course hard.
As for comforting someone, just being there is comfort. Words are unnecessary.
It sounds to me as if there may be two separate things going on here.
THe inability to go to the funeral looks to this armchair psychologist like avoidance. Going to the funeral would have forced you to acknowledge the death openly. That would have been uncomfortable for you (possibly because you're afraid of death?) Of course, there is nothing anybody could say that would take all your friend's pain away — as you acknowledge — so if you didn't say anything to her, that could be another instance of avoidance.
Then there's what you call lack of empathy in other situations — maybe including earlier deaths that didn't affect you.
What causes lack of empathy and how it is overcome isn't something I've learned about, but I suspect it's worth reflecting on. Maybe you can figure it out for yourself. If not, some sort of professional counsellor might be able to help you figure it out.
Since thinking about one led to the other, maybe there's a connection between them.
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